World Domination Foiled Again
by erinjoy29
Summary: Lucius Malfoy has discovered a way to help the Dark Lord achieve World Domination. Alas, it is foiled by 'Muggles' of all things...


The doors to the 'Secret Lair' of the Dark Lord slammed open with a resounding bang. They gave way to a positively glowing Lucius Malfoy; who looked rather frightening with a manic grin on his face. He was wearing a bathrobe, was carrying a rather oddly bulging bag from the supermarket, was scratching at his head crazily and appeared to have lost his mind.

"My Lord!" Lucius greeted, "I bring wonderful news!"

Lord Voldemort looked down at him from his seat in the 'Dark Throne' and nodded for him to continue.

"I know how we can bring the entire Wizarding World to their knees!" he exclaimed joyfully. He bumbled around in the bag he was holding while continuing to itch madly. He finally grasped what he was looking for and raised it into the air in triumph.

Lord Voldemort was very afraid. His right-hand man appeared to have lost his marbles. In his hand was a bottle with a very small comb attached. It seemed to be very harmless, in the Dark Lord's opinion, but he would allow Lucius to continue for now.

"_This_ is what will make them all obey! We collect every one of these on Earth and then we keep them all stashed away until they all crumble, begging for our mercy!" he stopped to take a breath, "All we have to do is find an innocent child... a nice healthy child who is _very_ social! Then we infect it with the secret weapon! Only to allow this child to mingle with other children, who will in turn interact with other children, who will infect their families and friends! Then they will all go insane and will beg us for the cure; which we will only give if they agree to serve eternally, My Lord!"

Lord Voldemort was once again confused. He was also scared that Lucius might not be useful to him anymore. Apparently he had overused the Cruciatus last time. He decided it was time to stop this nonsense once and for all. "Lucius! What is the meaning of this insanity? Do not test my patience any longer!"

"I apologise My Lord." He sounded terribly miserable, and Lord Voldemort still had no idea what was going on. For Lucius had now dropped to his knees and was attempting to kiss the hem of his robe while also scratching at his obviously irritated scalp. "Please, allow me to tell you what the secret weapon is."

"Go on then." The Dark Lord graciously allowed.

Lucius stood quickly, not stopping his scratching for a second, "Just give me one – _Ahhh_ – moment – _Oooh_ – My Lord. I will – _Oh God!_ – have it in – _That's it! Right there!_ – just a second now I'm sure – _Aha!_" He immediately abandoned the incessant scratching and held out his hand for the Dark Lord to inspect.

Lord Voldemort was once more confused. "Lucius, I do not see anything..."

Lucius held his hand right in front of the Dark Lord's face, "Are you sure, My Lord? I am quite sure I caught it." The hand was retracted before the Dark Lord could even react to the appendage that had been thrust carelessly into his face. Lucius held it up to his eye, the other closed, and located the infuriating beast sitting happily between his thumb and forefinger. He once again held the hand out to the Dark Lord, "It is right there, My Lord. Between my fingers. The little black thing."

Lord Voldemort leaned closer. He leaned even closer. He squinted his eyes. He turned his head on a slight angle. He was confused again.

"Do you see it, My Lord?" asked Lucius. "Do you not think it marvellous?"

"Lucius. I have no idea what the hell this is!" Lord Voldemort replied angrily. It appeared he would be losing a most faithful servant this evening. Too bad, he had been quite amusing to rile up in regards to his son. (_The boy was recently discovered to be gay._) "Is it something of Draco's? Perhaps one of his new pets?"

"No, My Lord." Lucius replied exasperatedly, "I would have thought you would know exactly what this is; especially considering where you came – from – ."

"What do you mean, Lucius?" the Dark Lord asked in a very quiet voice.

"Nothing, My Lord, nothing. I just meant that you grew up in a house, yes? In a town with... uh... people?" It was clear that Lucius had realised the error he had made and was now trying to get himself out of the hole he had dug.

"Yes, Lucius, I grew up in a house." Lord Voldemort replied tersely. He appeared to be ignoring Lucius' blunder in favour of finding out what this plan was. "Now please explain what this _thing_ is; and how it will help me gain complete and utter dominance over every living being."

"Why that's simple, My Lord." Lucius explained, "It is a little bug that is implanted into the hair of a person. It grows to its full menacing abilities with a few weeks, and will drive even the most resilient to insanity. It jumps from one person to the next within seconds and it can't be stopped by anything except for these products."

Lord Voldemort was once again forced to hide a startled jump as Lucius raised the bottle and small comb into the air again. "Indeed. It sounds very promising. But, what is it called, Lucius?"

"I believe the species is called _lice_, My Lord. _Head-lice_ to be precise. And they are a formidable opponent for any Wizard or Witch alive. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess!" Lucius ignored the muttered "_When aren't you?_" that came from somewhere behind him. The Dark Lord, however, allowed a small smirk to cross his snake-like face. Still Lucius persisted in inadvertently regaling the Death Eaters with his 'plan'.

After what seemed like years, Lord Voldemort had finally had enough. "Lucius! I have one question..."

Lucius still had a rather large grin on his face. He was still mentally praising himself for coming up with such a brilliant plan and was just waiting for the Dark Lord to pet him on the head for a job well done.

The Dark Lord continued, "Where did you get this idea?"

Lucius began to explain, "Well, My Lord, you see, I was out a few weekends ago in the Muggle part of London. Killing puppies and kidnapping kittens, you know, how I usually spend my spare time, when I came across a playground of children. Naturally I had to enter the playground and proceed to place small untraceable hexes on the equipment. To do so, I had to get closer, in doing so, I came in contact with a small muggle child. It bumped into me and proceeded to fall down. I laughed. Thinking nothing of it, I continued with my evil scheme and headed home. Not two weeks later I was scratching at my head fanatically and couldn't seem to stop. So I headed to St Mungo's and demanded a Mediwitch cure me immediately. She took one look at me, left the room, and returned trying not to laugh. She told me it was the _lice_ and what I had to do to be rid of them. Naturally, I came straight to you on my way home once I had realised the usefulness of these creatures!"

The Dark Lord was speechless, and yet impressed.

The Death Eaters were flabbergasted, and slightly jealous that they had not come up with the answer.

Nagini hadn't realised that Lucius had entered the room, and so she continued her nap in peace.

The silence wore on, until one lone Death Eater spoke up. "But, My Lord, aren't these things something _Muggles_ are afflicted with? How can we use something _Muggle_ to achieve World Domination. We would be proving that they aren't useless, wouldn't we?"

The Dark Lord looked up to the ceiling before storming out of the Throne Room muttering loudly, "Rats! Foiled again by those _useless Muggles_! If only we had got those _head-lice_ first, then this would have been a totally acceptable plan! Once again, _Muggles_ ruining everything in my life. Will nothing ever go my way?"

Lucius, bless him, was confused. He thought he had done well. Oh well, not surprising really. He always seemed to be doing something to displease the Dark Lord. He would just have to try harder next time. Perhaps something airborne?


End file.
